Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Long Lost Girlfriend

The other day at work, I was listening to the Pet Shop Boys and it reminded me of an old girlfriend that I had in high school. When I was in high school, I was not one of those guys that had a girlfriend all the time. I wanted a girlfriend, but it seemed like I could not get them to be interested in me. I think I was too boring and unnoticeable, but at the end of my junior year, I received interest from a girl that I never would have expected, her name was Cherie.

In my junior year, I took a Spanish class and this girl Cherie was in my class, she was a senior. She was cute and usually had the guys around her always talking to her. She was not the most popular girl in school, but she definitely got noticed. I said hi a few times, but we never had much interaction other than just small talk. If I remember right, I may have danced with her a couple of times at the school dances.

Well, along comes the end of the year and yearbook signings. We have all done this and get the usual “stay cool during the summer and see ya next year!” As I was walking around getting people to sign my yearbook, I saw Cherie and approached her. I signed her yearbook and I cannot really remember what I said, probably just the usual stuff like everyone else. When she handed my yearbook back to me, I thanked her and walked away turning to the page that she signed curious as to what she said. What she wrote completely blew me away. Here is what she said, “You are the Hottest Dancer at Taylorsville I have ever seen! What a Stud! Call me this summer and we’ll go dancing at Xenon! It is an honor to know you! Sincerely, Cherie.”

I was completely surprised! I had never noticed that she was interested in me. Well, I could not let an opportunity like this pass me by so after the school year ended, I found her number and gave her a call. We did go dancing at Xenon and had a great time. When I dropped her off, she even let me give her a kiss goodbye. I could not believe my luck and how well this was going.

We started going out during the summer and had some fun times. She was the first girl that I ever really had a “make-out” session with. You know, the classic going to the drive-in movie, but you never actually watch the movie because you are too busy making out with your girlfriend. I learned a lot on these dates.

One thing that was cool about her is that she liked my taste in music. She appreciated the fact that I was into the New Wave music of the 80s. I even had my big cassette tape box that she enjoyed perusing. The Pet Shop Boys had a song called Heart that kind of summed up how I felt about her with lyrics such as, “Every time I see you something happens to me. Like a chain reaction between you and me. My heart starts missing a beat. My heart starts missing a beat. Every time!”

My friend and I snuck over to her house and decorated her car for her birthday. I had streamers all over her car, it looked pretty good. The next day, I could not wait to hear how everything went. As I came home from work, my parents asked me to get something from my room. I went down to my room and turned on the light; Cherie jumped out of my bed and scared me half to death. We had a good laugh as she told me that she was running late for work and had to drive to work with the streamers still attached to her car. Funny times indeed.

As I started my senior year, Cherie informed me that she and her family were moving to Washington. This definitely bummed me out because I was enjoying our relationship for the few months that we had. Before I really had a chance to say goodbye, she was gone and just like that, my first real girlfriend was out of my life. I have never seen her since.

Even now as an adult, I still reminisce about that relationship, she really left an impression on me. It was a fun time with new experiences that involved a girl in my life. I still wonder where she is today. I have done searches on the Internet trying to see if I can track her down, but to no avail. I think the reason why is because our relationship ended so abruptly and seemed a bit unresolved. It would be nice to know that she is doing well today.

Ah, lost love.

Monday, October 25, 2010

It's Just Another Day

Danny and the boys of Oingo Boingo have this thought to share. . .

It's Just Another Day

Oingo Boingo - Just Another Day
Uploaded by Vince27. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

(There's life underground)

I feel it all around / I feel it in my bones
My life is on the line / When I'm away from home
When I step out the door / The jungle is alive
I do not trust my ears / I don't believe my eyes
I will not fall in love / I cannot risk the bet
Cause hearts are fragile toys / so easy to forget

It's just another day / There's murder in the air
It drags me when I walk / I smell it everywhere
It's just another day / Where people cling to light
To drive away the fear / That comes with every night

It's just another . . . . . . . It's just another day
It's just another . . . . . . . It's just another day . . .

It's just another day--When people wake from dreams
With voices in their ears--That will not go away

I had a dream last night / The world was set on fire
And everywhere I ran / There wasn't any water
The temperature increased / The sky was crimson red
The clouds turned into smoke / And everyone was dead
(but) There's a smile on my face . . . For everyone
There's a golden coin . . . That reflects the sun
There's a lonely place . . . That's always cold
There's a place in the stars . . . For when you get old

There's razors in my bed / That come out late at night
They always disappear / Before the morning light
I'm dreaming again / Of life underground
It doesn't ever move / It doesn't make a sound
And just when I think--That things are in their place
The heavens are secure--The whole thing explodes in my face

It's just another . . . . . . . It's just another day
It's just another . . . . . . . It's just another day . . .

A good song to remember when life kind of sucks.
And besides, Danny Elfman is creepy and dreamy at the same time.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

That would be Nihilism for me, thank you.

I have been feeling rather nihilist lately so I need to write about it. For those that may be unfamiliar with Nihilism, here is a nice definition from Wikipedia.

Nihilism (pronounced /ˈnaɪ.əlɪzəm/ or /ˈniː.əlɪzəm/; from the Latin nihil, nothing) is the philosophical doctrine suggesting the negation of one or more meaningful aspects of life. Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value.

Since I have discovered all the issues about the Mormon Church, life has taken on a troubled meaning for me. I decided that the Mormon Church did not work for me, so I had my name removed. There, done with religion. Now what?

Lately, I have found happiness to be a little fleeting. On some days I feel okay and others days I feel a little down. I am sure all the TBM's would be the first to point out that the reason is because I rejected the "true gospel," but I do not feel that way. For my entire life, the church was always what I could depend on to look for meaning in life whether I liked it or not. Since stepping back and re-evaluating my choices in life, I simply do not agree with the philosophies of religions, especially Christian religions. I do not feel like a damage individual that requires saving through atonement.

So what is the point of life now? I wake up, go to work, come home, spend time with the family, then go to sleep only to repeat it all over again tomorrow. Sure, we have various distractions like family activities, vacations, family visits, biking, etc. Nevertheless, who cares? Does it even matter?

Feeling that nihilism? Yeah, that feels good.

Is there a god? I do not know for sure, maybe. Does he or she care about me? Possibly. What if there is no life after death? What if this is it? Is there a point to living? Sure, family members love me, but does it matter? If life ends here, what difference does it make whether I am here or not? Maybe this is why I cannot really call myself an atheist. I would say more agnostic. There might a god out there, it is possible, but who can know for sure?

One of the more interesting philosophers of nihilism is Friedrich Nietzsche. Here are a few interesting quotes from him.

There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths.

What is it: is man only a blunder of God, or God only a blunder of man?

Better know nothing than half-know many things.

So why do I have difficulty finding lasting happiness? Is it because my former views of eternity are now so questionable? My relationship with my parents seems so unresolved. We cannot talk about anything of substance anymore because I do not think the same as they do anymore, just nice surface pleasantries now. I am sure that visiting with them after Christmas will be a fun experience. <<< Sarcasm, in case it was not obvious.

Yeah I know, quite a downer of a post. This is just how I am feeling at the moment and I needed to express it. I will work on being happier.

Is it always like this!?

And the sand
And the sea grows
I close my eyes
Move slowly through drowning waves
Going away on a strange day
-The Cure-

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Deadmau5 show at Sin City. Morals anyone?

On Friday October 15, 2010, my friend Dave and I made the road trip from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas for the Deadmau5 show. If you do not know who Deadmau5 is, check out my previous post about him. Deadmau5, aka Joel Zimmerman is the current hot DJ touring the world and he is putting out some great dance/techno/house music.

So, here we are at the Hard Rock Hotel and the funny thing is that we end up running into Deadmau5 in the hallway. Dave and I said a quick hello with a handshake. That was pretty cool because he came across as just a regular guy and not some superstar celebrity. In fact, we saw him again later waiting in line for a taxi.

His show was at Body English inside the Hard Rock Hotel. He put on a great show and I really enjoyed myself. Instead of having the big light cube, this was a more intimate concert with him just upfront on stage doing his show.

I want to comment about the environment that I was in. Las Vegas is known as Sin City for a reason and I certainly witnessed a lot of “sin” in this nightclub. The biggest thing I witnessed was how the girls were dressed. Every single girl there was wearing the tightest, shortest dresses / skirts known to man. Now don’t get me wrong, the eye candy was pretty amazing. The boobs on display were incredible, legs a mile long, and unbelievably tight ass. After a while though, I started to wonder, “Where are the regular girls?” The girls almost looked unrealistic. My buddy Dave told me afterwards that a lot of the girls there were paid escorts. It was quite an experience to see the party atmosphere for real and not just on TV.

So let’s talk modesty and morals. Seeing these girls made me think of the Mormon Church’s strong stance on modesty. None of these girls would have been thought of anything other than completely immoral and immodest. To be honest, I did think that many of them just looked like whores. Is this what the world is? It seems like such an extreme. You have church standards on one side with people getting offended if too much shoulder is shown or a skirt above the knee. On the other hand, you have girls dressing as if they are getting paid for sex. Is there no middle ground?

I also wondered about the self-esteem of these girls. Do they feel like they have to dress like this in order for their boyfriend or other guys to be interested in them. How many of these girls will get so drunk or high on Ecstasy that they will wake up in the morning in some strange bed and wonder how they got there? Who did they end up having sex with that night and not know about it?

Now, I understand that I basically went to the den of evil by going to Las Vegas. It is so blatant there with signs everywhere advertising the many strips clubs located around the city. I guess it just seems a little sad to see people that have no sense of morals. I have left the church, but I still feel like morals and modesty are important. As I saw these girls, I thought of my own daughter; she is 11 right now. Would I want to see her dressed like these girls and dancing with men the way that I saw these girls do? I still want to instill into her a sense of morals and modesty that help her in not making the choices that these girls made. Yes, the church is not what I turn to anymore for my sense of morals and modest, but I still feel like that can be an important part of our choices in life.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Oh Satan, Where Art Thou?

Oh Satan, where art thou? Why can't I find you? Are you hiding in this bush? Are you waiting for me under the stairs? You promised that I would be in your power, but I cannot find you.

I remember going though the temple ceremony and watching as the actor portraying Lucifer / Satan turned and looked at me eye to eye. He was speaking to everyone in the room with me when he said, "I have a word to say concerning these people. If they do not walk up to every covenant they make at these altars in this temple this day, they will be in my power!" Did he just personally threaten me? Do I need to come up there and kick some Satan ass?

Well, here I am Satan. I have officially resigned from the Mormon Church and I am still here, so where are you? You told me in the temple that I would be in your power and yet I cannot find you. I am out of the church and yet I still feel the same as if I were in the church. I do not have evil spirits surrounding me and I do not live afraid.

I find it interesting that the Mormon Church places so much emphasis on "The Adversary" as if he is just waiting in the shadows to get you. The church teaches that those people who leave the church are under the influence of Satan and are led into evil ways. They are unhappy and bound down with chains. I do not feel this way. I am happy (for the most part) and I am glad to be living a more authentic life. I can be the real me without feeling as if I need to get church approval first about what I think or do.

I have not encountered Satan, nor do I feel like I have evil spirits influencing me. It is like when I was praying about the truthfulness of the Mormon Church and the Book of Mormon. I prayed so hard and for months hoping for an answer. I pled with god to give me something of a feeling. Just let me know that you are there and that I can follow your church.

Nothing. I got nothing. No answer. No feeling. No spiritual witness. No revelation. Really? You don't care enough to tell me that you care, god? So that was it, that was my answer. Satan said he would come get me if I left and yet I have not heard from him either. I walked away from the temple and the covenants that I made, but he has not shown up yet. He must be a pretty good hider.

Oh Satan, where art thou?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My Dodge letter and thoughts

Well, Blondie beat me to it, but here is my confirmation letter from Gregory Dodge confirming my resignation from the church. Blondie called me when we received them and she was very excited. I was out of town, but when I got home, I immediately wanted to see the letters. It is kind of a weird feeling seeing four individual letters for each member or our family indicating that we are no longer members. I like the fact that the letter is simple and to the point, no guilt, or pressure for us to come back.

Since we have received the letters, Blondie and I have had some good discussions about why we are happy to be out of the church and why we feel it is wrong. Here are some of my thoughts. . .

Everyone is born on this earth with unique qualities, thoughts, and cultures. No one is the same. No one thinks exactly the same. No one acts exactly the same. No one looks exactly the same. Some people may be more conservative while others are more liberal. These various qualities are what make living on the earth so interesting and worth living for.

The Mormon Church comes along and says, "You are a great person and we love you, come join us to live in happiness." However, that is not all that the church says. They want you to join them, but there are things about yourself that you need to adjust. You cannot come as you are. You thought that having a cup of coffee made you happy? Well, the church is here to tell you that coffee does not make you happy. You are a man that enjoys wearing earrings? Well, that will just not do. A woman that wants to wear more than just one pair of earrings? You should reconsider your moral priorities. You have attractions to people of the same sex? We have therapy sessions to help you overcome your sinful nature.

The Mormon Church wants everyone to be a part of their church, but they don't want people to come as they are. The church wants everyone to change aspects about themselves that will conform to the vanilla, generic church member that the leaders of the church like to see. Clean-cut, white shirt and tie, missionary haircut, no facial hair for men. Modest dresses, modest unnoticeable earrings, very simple make up that does not bring attention for women.

How boring is this? Do I want to walk around a bunch of drones? Women who are more concerned about whether they are showing too much skin with either a sleeveless shirt or a skirt above their knee? Then there is always the risk of whether their garments are showing. I will join the countless others in expressing just how ugly and stupid looking garments are. They are a truly asinine piece of clothing that is wasting members' time. They are truly shiny keys.

So, this is one of the reasons why I do not believe that the church is true. Why would a god create billions of people to come to earth with all their unique qualities and then expect all people to be exactly the same? What's the point? I do not agree with the Mormon Church in trying to change everyone to fit one mold. I love seeing unique people that are different. The gay couple, the person with too many tattoos, the punk with the purple hair, the business man in a suit, my great neighbor that hunts everything, this is what I love, the variety. Imagine if everyone on the earth was Mormon. How boring would that be? Would I even want to live on an earth like that? I think not.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Thank you Blue October, I was spiritually uplifted.

Last night was the Blue October concert and to put it simply, it was an awesome show. If you do not know who Blue October is, please go to this link and familiarize yourself with this band. They are talented beyond belief and the songs they perform will hit you on such a personal level.

Blondie and I wanted to have a fun night for the concert so we made some preparations. We went to the Gateway for dinner, but we decided to make our own drinks to enjoy before the show. If you have ever wanted to know, drinks in Utah really suck ass. The drinks are so specifically measured and can only have one to one and a half ounces of alcohol in each drink. In other words, you are paying a lot of money for pretty weak drinks. Here is how we prepared our drinks. We took regular sized Coke and Dr. Pepper bottles, poured out some of the soda, and replaced it with whiskey and rum; now the soda was fun.

After our dinner, we sat on a bench at the Gateway and enjoyed our sodas; no one knew anything different. It got time to head to the show so we finished off our drinks and went to the concert. By this time, Blondie was feeling really good. We maneuvered our way to where we wanted to be and then waited as the opening band finished. Blondie was pretty tipsy and basically held onto me very close; it made me happy to know that I have a girl that loves me so much.

Blue October finally started their show and it was mesmerizing. Blondie loves them so much and their songs mean a lot to her. With almost every song, she had tears streaming down her face because the lyrics of each song affected her so strongly. For me, I could not stand still. At most concerts, guys look pretty stupid if you ask me. They stand there and try to look cool not showing any emotion or desire to dance to the music. Not me. The music was just so damned good; I could not stand still any more. I started dancing and dancing my way. I did not care if anyone was looking at me or laughing, it did not matter. It was a spiritual experience for me to let myself go and do what I wanted to do with a big “Fuck you!” attitude for anyone that thought anything less of me for it.

When the show ended, Blondie and I walked back to our car. Surprisingly, she was still feeling pretty tipsy, good thing I was feeling pretty good. We drove home with smiles on our faces reminiscing about just how good the Blue October show was. I think we will go see them any time they come back.

So this weekend is conference weekend for the LDS church and I just don’t care. It does not matter to me because I don’t need the spiritual uplifting from it, which I would not have received anyway. The Blue October concert gave me all the spiritual uplifting that I need.