Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Father's Day call

Calling my parents on Father’s Day was not quite the same for me as it probably was for others. I’m calling wanting to be the good son and show my parents that I am the son they can be proud of. When I talk to them, they are friendly and cheerful. Our conversation seems so trivial. “How’s the weather?” “Did you get the Father’s Day package I sent to you?” “How are the kids?” The whole time I am hoping that nothing uncomfortable comes up. What do they think of me? Do they look on me with disappointment? Why can’t I get these thoughts and feelings to go away? I can tell that the conversation is starting to become strained in trying to find additional trivial topics to talk about. I tell them that we are getting ready for dinner and end our phone call. Well, I’m glad that is over. Our conversation went well, completely on the surface, but in the end, it felt lacking. I can’t talk to my parents about anything in depth anymore. My relationship with them feels so unresolved. I want to talk to them about why I have chosen my life and turned away from their church, but what would it accomplish? They really don’t want to hear any of my reasons about why. I keep thinking that maybe I could obtain some sort of acknowledgement from them that would justify my reasons. They are so defensive now about their church that I don’t think that anything I can say would ever register with them. Everything I say now is tainted with the fact that I have left their church. I hesitate to have my name removed from their church hoping to prevent hurting them even more. Would it make a difference if I did? I feel like the only way to make things better is to come to them and tell them I was wrong and will come back to their church. If I never do that, I feel like our lives will never be reconciled. Everything is so different with them now. There is always the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about anymore. I wake up every morning and am faced with the thought of my parents and their church again and again. Blondie says that it will get better with time. When will that be? Other people that have left seem to be facing these issues for many years. My issues have only started; I have many years to go. My parents want us to come visit them this winter. It could be fun, but I’m sure it will be wrecked with various disappointments. I can’t wait to see what their reaction to my tattoo will be. What will they say when I tell them that I want more?

Yes, I know, one big paragraph. I wanted it to be that way. Kind of like spilling out all of my thoughts and feelings into one big pile.

2 comments:

  1. I don't know if there is an answer to this problem. I'm dealing with something similar myself. It requires a change of thinking from both sides, although in my case, I'm not sure I'm ready to change either. Too much paranoia going on in my little brain right now. Sounds like you're ready, and just waiting for the other side... Good Luck!

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  2. I'm in this place where I want to just be blunt with all of the people that I have an 'elephant in the room' relationship with. Easier said than done of course. I really like getting babysitting from the in-laws and my own parents. I don't want to stuff that up. How selfish of me! I'm feeling pretty pissed off right now. I want people (read family and 'friends' of the Mormon kind) to know that. Hey look, another messy paragraph to match yours ;) Someone once told me that you need to give yourself what you wish you could get from someone else. We need to give ourselves the love and acceptance that we wish our parents would give to us. Good luck dear Bowie.

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